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Top Ten Worst Smells On A Baby

8 Aug

Aaaahh…the smell of babies….

Nothing smells better than soft baby skin, a baby’s warm head or a newborn baby’s breath.

The natural scent of my own babies makes me drool and the first whiff of their baby fragrance when I arrive home from work makes me swoon with love, longing and heartache all at the same time.

Jane, now 2, has stopped smelling like a baby and has taken on that wet dog funk that all kids have after playing outside, unless she’s straight out of the bath.

Sam, just 1, oh . . . the smell of him . . . I could eat baby cheeks for weeks.

While nothing is sweeter than that inexplicably fresh scent of a baby, there are a few smells on a child that so horrifically assault my olfactory senses to trigger an instant gag reflex.

From the least offensive to the worst, here’s what makes my stomach churn when I smell it on a baby, especially one of my own:

10) garlic

9) onions

8)fish sauce

7) fish

6) Poly-Vi-Sol with Iron

5) wine

4) beer

3) perfume

2) scented detergent

1) another woman’s perfume

Smelling another woman’s perfume on one of my children has to be the most offensive scent of them all by a landslide.  Not only has another person marked one of mine as her own, but now my child smells like “a baby prostitute” (as Lizzy Caplan’s Janis Ian describes Lindsay Lohan’s Cady Heron in Mean Girls).  Too vile for words.

The Perfect Baby Name

6 May

While we’re on the subject of names . . .

Why is it that people are so afraid to ask about your family plans before you have children, but feel they can ask you absolutely anything after you’ve popped one out?

To preemptively silence those who might feel the urge to ask whether we plan to have more kids, I can confirm that while management has not made a final decision on whether to shut the baby factory’s doors for good, it faces significant quality control concerns with issuing too many new models back to back.  Additionally, design and manufacturing processes have been significantly stalled by a rambunctious 2-year old and a 1-year old who’s decided to skip walking and go straight to running.

How do I feel about management’s decision?  Well, the thought of not having more opportunities to pick out baby names is a bit sad.

Since we won’t be using them anytime soon, I’ve decided to share these carefully handpicked monikers with you in case these lovely namesgo unused:

Girls

  1. Tuesday (my favorite, but made fun of by everyone; when I met a girl named Tuesday a year after Jane was born, I wished I had the guts to have fought for it)
  2. MaryJane (Hubby didn’t want our daughter to be named after marijuana and nixed this one)
  3. Mamie (Auntie Mame is one of my favorite characters of all time)
  4. Clementine (“Oh my darling, oh my darling!”)
  5. Mabel (“Everybody’s wild about Mabel, and Mabel’s wild about me!”)
  6. Piper (Hubby thought it was too flighty)
  7. Hattie (After a character in one of my favorite Cary Grant movies – it was a bit of a toss up between Hattie and the name we ended up choosing)

Boys

  1. Jack (Hubby and I decided on this name before we were even married or close to it, but when the time rolled around, turned out that we knew at least five Jacksons – not the same, but similar enough)
  2. Cieran (Hubby, who’s Irish – as in born and raised in Ireland, thought it was too Irish)
  3. Kellan (I insisted Kellan was an Irish name after numerous baby name websites told me it was, but Hubby didn’t buy it)
  4. Ronan (another name Hubby and I loved before we had kids, but over the years lost its appeal for an unknown reason)
  5. Emmet, Thomas and Samuel (family names)
  6. Beckett (Hubby thought it was too “trendy,” whatever that means)
  7. Wyatt (Hubby thought it was too American)

If none of those cut it, here are several other lists and resources to help you decide:

By the way, I’d loan you my 60,001 Best Baby Names book but I’m keeping it

. . .

as a resource for character names for my novels and short stories.  Gotcha!

*No guarantees that we won’t use one or more of these names in the event management ultimately decides to keep the shop open

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